Up to the Minute with Pastor Maggie Campbell: Why Do Women Attack Each Other?
Questio
n: Have you been contacted by women that shared experiences with you when they reached out to a woman for help with their careers, a professional project, to volunteer on their political campaign or to help them launch a business? If so, please share some of positive and negative responses and what you recommend that women should do when they encounter this stumbling block. ~ Annette F., Bay Area, CA
Answer: The terrible way in which women treat each other is a topic many women do not want to talk about. Women can be ‘Mean’ to each other in ways that men can ‘t even imagine. It has been going on since the beginning of time. Deep seeded jealousy, envy and strife have surfaced in 9 out 10 women at some point in their lifetimes several times before they learn how to rid themselves of it or before someone takes the time to educate them on how hurtful and selfish this behavior is to everyone including themselves.
Women own over 8 million businesses in the United States, and hold over 47 percent of all managerial and professional jobs. But there are very few female CEOs at America’s largest corporations. Having worked in various industries in corporate America such as Evangelical Ministry, Politics, Banking and Big Box Retail stores, the one thing that each of these industries had in common was the fact that female employees blamed the women they worked with for keeping them from advancing. Even though men have also played a role in keeping women from the top of many corporate ladders and some of the Senior Pastor roles in the Church, women often do more harm than good to their workplace sisters and sisters in Christ than any man can in many cases. I have experienced this first hand.
Women don’t like to talk about their catfight mentality. It is no longer a secret, but a harsh reality.
I have learned through my years of studying psychology and working with women in therapy sessions, that women resent women who are in power, or women seeking powerful roles in industries such as politics, ministry, or large corporations. These women have acknowledged that they have participated in female to female backbiting and gossip, direct and indirect acts of aggression that derailed someone else’s path to success. When asked how they felt now that the terrible acts have been done, the women attempted to justify their actions often stating, “They deserve it.”
Here are some tips that will help guide you to achieve career success with little to no stumbling blocks from other women.
- Pray before you leave your home. Prepare your mind, body and soul for the challenges that lay ahead.
- When a woman calls and ask for your or assistance on a project, DO NOT immediately begin talking about you and all the projects you are working on. This is a bad habit and a poor attempt to make yourself appear just as or more important. It doesn’t work. This is not why the woman called you. If you are not interested, its ok, but be honest and brief. Do not make excuses and lead the woman on or give her a run around. Say what you mean and mean what you say. DO NOT offer your time, experience, or financial resources when you know you have no intentions of following through. This is cruel and a big waste of everyone’s time.
- DO NOT get upset when the woman is being diligent by following up with you after you have made promises to give or to do certain things for her or the project. Women who do this are usually jealous or envious of this woman. The woman will form a negative opinion about you and will not come to you again or refer you to anyone else. Eventually you will find that you are not receiving invitations at all.
- Do not become friends with women in the workplace. Do NOT become friends with women who are working for you or assisting you professionally or at the workplace. This is difficult for the woman who is a social butterfly or the woman who has no friends outside of work or the professional projects. You must remember that you go to work volunteer, you do so to earn a living and/or to advance your career, not to make friends. When your friendship ends on a bad note, the drama begins and your job can end. You do not have to like each other to work together. Keep your working relationship with all women, strictly professional.
- Keep your personal business to yourself. Just simply do not share your business with your coworkers or the business of others. This will cut down on a lot of gossip and you will not have to worry about being betrayed by someone that never was your friend at work. Example: A woman spoke about buying her first home at work. Her boss, being much older and never owned a home, was secretly jealous. She searched for a reason to fire her. If you search hard enough and long enough as a manger, you can find a reason to fire someone. The moral and Christian question becomes, should you do it. This manager fired her unnecessarily. Because of losing her job, she lost her home. That made the manager feel good for a while to derail this woman’s life, but eventually, the negative energy she put out in the world came back to her when another woman did the same to her, causing her to be fired years later.
- Don’t be a ‘gossiper’ or listen to the gossipers: The “Gossiper” is the woman who attacks other females from behind their backs, rarely to their faces. She has nothing positive to say. She builds allies quickly as women have a weakness for gossiping. The ‘Gossiper’ will talk negatively about another female behind her back, but act like her friend to her face. When confronted, the Gossip will pretend she has done nothing or blame another female. This can rip apart a Church congregation or a political campaign where majority of the volunteers are women. You should not allow yourself to be a Gossiper nor should you listen. Just turn and walk away as they can’t gossip to themselves.
- Don’t be a ‘Sniper’: Somewhat opposite from a gossiper, the “Sniper” will hide in plain sight, in a crowd and try to get others not to take another woman seriously, by ridiculing her ideas in meetings, rolling her eyes when she speaks at a special event or from the pulpit and when she sees woman in a networking environment.
While speaking at a local Chamber of Commerce years ago during a political campaign, I had a ‘Sniper’ to heckle me from a table across the room as I spoke, hiding among a group of men to get a few laughs. I carried on as if she did not exist. But every chance she got, she would either snipe out loud directly to me or you could her in the crown trying to get people not to take me seriously. Often in your professional lives, you will meet a woman who will resent you for no reason known to anyone but themselves, that will not listen to your platform or ideas or participate with other’s when they support.
One day I was asked to speak to a group of women about the topic of Pastors in Politics. It was no secret among these women that I am an Ordained Pastor and I am a Politician as well. When I arrived at this speaking engagement, I learned as I walked into the room that the woman who set this up, did not bother to attend. After the engagement, found pieces of my literature and materials on the table soaked with beverages and one important piece of literature balled upon on the table with a large piece of blue bubble gun crumbled inside.
I immediately left the venue. I did not accept another engagement from this group and I ended my professional relationship with the woman who sat up the event. It was never spoken of, which was a big mistake. This is what I should have done: I should have confronted the other women in a positive way, saying something like, ‘I found my literature at your tables soaked in your beverages and with gum crumble up inside, and I think we need to talk about it.’ From childhood, women are taught to be indirect and in most cases, and in the Church to turn the other cheek. That behavior is not the best way in all circumstances especially in corporate America or politics.
- Don’t be a ‘Clam’: The ‘Clam’ is someone who doesn’t give or take. If asked if she is OK, she will say yes, even when she clearly is not. Women become Clams when they want to say something is wrong, but don’t know what the problem is or don’t want to take responsibility. That increases the Clam’s power, but decreases the power of those dealing with her. It is frustrating and most women hate the claim just as much as the gossiper. If a ‘Clam’ knows that you are not working out at your job and she is your boss, she will not tell you as she doesn’t want to talk about it. You will usually find out when you see or hear about your replacement.
- The ‘Saboteur’ is dangerous: The ‘Saboteur’ will try to demoralize another woman in any way she can, such as intentionally sending a computer virus, hold on to your important messages, flatten her tires to make her late or make nasty remarks to your boss, like “I haven’t seen her all day,” when she may have seen you minutes ago.
- The dirty woman is the ‘Deflector’ also called the Kitchen sink fighter. This person is someone who stores up a boat load of past issues that are important often only to her such as: you were late two weeks ago, you are following the dress code, you didn’t get a fax, you didn’t tell her something… — to deflect attention from herself when she makes mistakes.
- The ‘Drama Queen’: She goes around getting people to side up against another woman. Usually this person was a bully in high school.
- The worse woman of all is the ‘Bitch’ a woman who is manipulative, conniving, controlling and hostile. She blames others when something happens that is her fault, and takes credit when it does not belong to her. She will give compliments to get something from another female, but will turn on the same woman in a minute if she crosses her. She will seek out the meek and mild woman of whom she believes is week and use her to help her hurt other women and to have a side kid who cannot say no to her. Women who are mean to other women in this manner in the workplace, the Church, social settings or political settings are generally people who don’t feel good about themselves now or when they were in high school, in college and within their own immediate families.
If you find that you are one or more of these women, seek out professional counselling with a therapist or your Pastor to help you overcome this behavior and to improve our relationship with your sisters.
Be aware of the power that you have in your relationship with women in your workplace, social settings, the political arena, other professional associations and within the Church. Realize that you cannot abuse this power in any way. If you must assert power in your decision making, do so professionally and gently, as coming on too strong can be hurtful and the women are likely to resent you. That can start a negative chain reaction. If you have problems with another woman, confront the woman at the appropriate time and professionally. DO NOT sit on it over time allowing it to fester.
Another minute gone forever. How did you spend it? ~ Maggie Campbell
If you entered into a relationship with a person who is already married, this is wrong on many level. It is a sin and you should be ashamed because you are helping to bring a marriage to an end that may never have ended, had you not gotten involved with this married person.
Up to Minute with Pastor Maggie Campbell 